One of the things that has been difficult, and which seems to be getting worse, not better, is an increasing sibling rivalry between the boys. One of the reasons we chose to adopt Elisey and Dimcho is the bond between them, which we hoped would help them adjust and give them a love beyond that which Donna and I could offer. And we still hope that.
And we still see playfulness, compassion, and affection between the boys. Occasionally.
I'm afraid I'm going to return to complaining about Elisey. Some of his behaviors have, in the grand scheme of things, improved. He doesn't get into things as much as before, doesn't try to unplug everything constantly, only occasionally. When he tries to hit us, it often isn't nearly as hard as it was, almost a soft, symbolic swat. But his rivalry of Dimcho is undiminished or even increased, probably as Dimcho turns to us for comfort, affectionate, and protection. Not only does Elisey want the same toy that Dimcho is currently playing with, which is pretty normal, he actively tries to stop Dimcho from having fun or even the same privileges. If Dimcho wants to watch TV, Elisey announces he doesn't want to, and tries to interrupt watching TV. Suggestions that Elisey do something else falls on deaf ears. Dimcho has for several days decided not to go to the park, tired of sharing the car with his brother, and now Elisey actively says that Dimcho doesn't want to go to the park and panics if he thinks Dimcho will come along. We did all go to the park yesterday--in separate cars, Elisey in mine, Dimcho in Donna's, an unsustainable approach.
Because the boys like baths, we tried adding a midday bath, hoping that might calm the afternoon when acting out typically ramps up. It started off well, and I even gave the boys some toys to play in the bath. Again, Elisey demanded whatever toy Dimcho had. Dimcho was actually playing with the toys, after I showed him how, but Elisey just floated in the water, clutching the toys in his hand. Later, Elisey tried to squeeze Dimcho out of the tub. When I told him to share, ("delya" in Bulgarian) he claimed not to understand the word, although Dimcho said he understood the word so it wasn't my mispronunciation.
I think Elisey literally does not understand "share." In the evening, tired of this, we decided to give the boys separate baths. Elisey was happy to have a bath without his brother, but could not understand why his brother got a bath without him, and had a severe meltdown.
In the abstract, this is probably behavior learned from the orphanage, a kind of survival mechanism. It does make our task very difficult, though. In these early days of bonding, we are encouraged to find "find ways to say yes" to the boys, so they feel safe and secure, but that's difficult when the one thing one boy wants is to say "no" to the other.
At other times Elisey can share, or at least appear to share, but now I wonder how much of that was an attempt to ingratiate himself with an adult.
I've written how the boys, Elisey in particular, have a difficult time playing with toys. In some ways Dimcho picks it up faster, as I saw in the bath. I've noticed recently that to a large extent "play" for Elisey is almost exclusively a vehicle to get attention from adults; the only time I've noticed him "playing" by himself is pretending to talk on the telephone to an adult. All children love to have their parents watch them, but for example while Elisey got excited at the park watching some guys play basketball, at home he seems interested in the toy basketball hoop as a vehicle to get us to watch him. I try to keep in mind this is part of the bonding process. As another example, when we read Dr. Seuss books at night, Elisey asks who are the characters, and we pretend that one is me, another is him, another Donna, and so on. But now that has become his sole focus--he has little patience for reading to him, and just turns the pages to have the characters named. I try to have compassion, to remember that this is a child who feels so erased he constantly needs reassurance he exists (when we rewatch our DVD about our trip to Bulgaria, he constantly points to himself and asks who that is). That need in itself is understandable, but its hard to take when his own compassion for his brother has dwindled.
Again, we are consulting with a whole raft of experts who are helping us through these difficult times. There are no easy answers, however.
