We've just been tired. And it was a rainy weekend, which meant the boys were cooped up inside most of the time. We did get a brief visit to the zoo Sunday morning, though we only spent an hour before Elisey began a path to meltdown. We then went to a nearby playground.
They begin a slightly longer school day today, going until 1:20. Next week, we hope the boys will be able to have full school days until 2. The main issue is the school needs to find someone to be with Elisey one-on-one at all times.
We also are adding a second in-home caregiver afternoons because, well, Elisey needs an adult on him one-on-on at all times.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Trampoline
We bought a small children's trampoline, in an effort to work off more of the boys' energy. Elisey seemed to like it, Dimcho a little. The problem is both of them, but Elisey especially, loses interest in any activity after a few days. This is common with all kids, I know, but our difficulty is finding ANYTHING that he likes reliably. We'll let you know how the trampoline fares.
Monday, January 21, 2013
More hard days
Despite the zoo and the play date, the last week has been hard. Both Donna and I are exhausted. The emotional needs of the boys are, frankly, extreme. All children can be exhausting, but not in this way. And we have experienced teachers and babysitters who agree that our boys are way, way outside the usual.
I may not post for a couple of days while we regroup and find resources.
I may not post for a couple of days while we regroup and find resources.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Back to the zoo
We went again to the zoo today. Probably went too far, as the boys, Elisey especially, got cranky and recalcitrant. Even though there are many novel sights at the zoo, about 90 minutes is his limit.
Here are the boys at the "helicopter" by the polar bears. They wanted to try the skytram, but we weren't sure they wouldn't suddenly be struck by being afraid up so high.
On the way out, we were going to a nearby playground. But Elisey continued to buckle and unbuckle himself, so we went directly home. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But we hope this reinforces that they have to follow rules.
Actually, the last couple of days have been exhausting. Not any individual outburst, but just the continued nature of it. It's beyond even J., our experienced helper, to do alone. The boys need at least two people at all times (or, specifically, Elisey needs someone at all times). It's not just our inexperience, which we thought was the case for a long time; these boys just need a lot of careful attention, because of their emotional delays due to institutionalization.
Here are the boys at the "helicopter" by the polar bears. They wanted to try the skytram, but we weren't sure they wouldn't suddenly be struck by being afraid up so high.
On the way out, we were going to a nearby playground. But Elisey continued to buckle and unbuckle himself, so we went directly home. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But we hope this reinforces that they have to follow rules.
Actually, the last couple of days have been exhausting. Not any individual outburst, but just the continued nature of it. It's beyond even J., our experienced helper, to do alone. The boys need at least two people at all times (or, specifically, Elisey needs someone at all times). It's not just our inexperience, which we thought was the case for a long time; these boys just need a lot of careful attention, because of their emotional delays due to institutionalization.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
First playdate
The last couple of days were a bit busy. Thursday Elisey was very noncompliant at school. In the afternoon he sprinted away on a walk with our helper, and got three blocks away before I caught up with him. He got in the car right away, which is a good thing.
Yesterday we had long conversations with our placing agency and with our "adoption coach," both of whom helped us process what has been going on and strategies to help the boys move forward.
Today we had our first "play date," with twin boys, age six, who were adopted from Russia 4 years ago. Their mother attends our church. The boys, Logan and Kyle, were very nice and shared very well with Elisey and Dimcho. Towards the end Elisey melted down, as he tends to do, and was not stopping when told to and was trying to hurt his Tatko (me) to get what he wanted. Logan and Kyle were very empathetic and tried to comfort a distressed Elisey.
Nonetheless, it was overall a success and we will do it again. Elisey later recovered when we had a photo shoot at home. Elisey practiced saying the little ditty his first grade class recites when calming down ("Criss-cross applesauce hands in lap"). Our in-home helper, J., had the brilliant idea of filming Elisey saying "No touch" to various forbidden items such as the stove, microwave, and so on. I will turn that into a short video and see if that seeps into his brain...
Here is Elisey and on of the brothers, Kyle or Logan.
And for good measure, Dimcho at the park.
Yesterday we had long conversations with our placing agency and with our "adoption coach," both of whom helped us process what has been going on and strategies to help the boys move forward.
Today we had our first "play date," with twin boys, age six, who were adopted from Russia 4 years ago. Their mother attends our church. The boys, Logan and Kyle, were very nice and shared very well with Elisey and Dimcho. Towards the end Elisey melted down, as he tends to do, and was not stopping when told to and was trying to hurt his Tatko (me) to get what he wanted. Logan and Kyle were very empathetic and tried to comfort a distressed Elisey.
Nonetheless, it was overall a success and we will do it again. Elisey later recovered when we had a photo shoot at home. Elisey practiced saying the little ditty his first grade class recites when calming down ("Criss-cross applesauce hands in lap"). Our in-home helper, J., had the brilliant idea of filming Elisey saying "No touch" to various forbidden items such as the stove, microwave, and so on. I will turn that into a short video and see if that seeps into his brain...
Here is Elisey and on of the brothers, Kyle or Logan.
And for good measure, Dimcho at the park.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Cold
I have a slight cold. The boys don't have it, not yet, but they are at school and there are a lot of colds going around. They got flu shots (which we did not, sigh, lack of time) so they won't get that I hope.
Yesterday our social worker came by and again remarked on the boys' progress. Elisey was able to do several pages of homework, copying out letters. More importantly, he was able to do it without looking up every 5 seconds to see if an adult was giving him attention. There were 4 adults around the table, talking, but the fact that he felt secure in their presence and able to focus, without actively seeking attention, is a big step for him. Both boys appear very happy with school and are eager each day to go back.
Busy day, so this will be brief.
Yesterday our social worker came by and again remarked on the boys' progress. Elisey was able to do several pages of homework, copying out letters. More importantly, he was able to do it without looking up every 5 seconds to see if an adult was giving him attention. There were 4 adults around the table, talking, but the fact that he felt secure in their presence and able to focus, without actively seeking attention, is a big step for him. Both boys appear very happy with school and are eager each day to go back.
Busy day, so this will be brief.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Papers
Yesterday, or maybe the day before--the days blur together and we don't always remember to check the mailbox--the boys received their official certificates of US citizenship. They were of course already US citizens the moment we entered the US with their visas. But it's always nice to have a piece of paper.
Speaking of papers, when it comes to homework the boys are much more interested in the question of to whom the paper belongs, rather than the homework itself. We can do the homework with them, but it's often a battle as to who gets to touch it. Yesterday Elisey brought home a sign that read "no touch" and some pictures of things he is not supposed to touch (light switches, television, computers), the point being he is supposed to rehearse what he is not to touch without permission. But he just wanted to show off the items he had been given, and was uninterested in the content. Again, this comes out of their deprivation of any possessions at the orphanage.
Yesterday Donna and I tried again to out to lunch. Although they had done pretty well the last time, this time Elisey really acted out, to an extent that our babysitter had never seen before (although it sounded familiar to us).
Along those same lines: when we enrolled the boys at school, we tried to warn them about their behaviors. "Oh, we've seen that kind of thing before and we have tools to handle it," they assured us. Now they are signalling that, no, they haven't seen this kind of child, and are desperately trying to figure out how to manage them. Us too.
Cudos to the school for their efforts, however. And we are seeing some huge improvements, in their English, in their writing, and in their counting. When they are calm--and that is the big issue--they both are quite interested in learning and practicing what they have learned. (And, for example, when Elisey is in a happy, compliant mood, he will eagerly say, "I'm not touching." ) We are very happy with that.
And so it goes.
The next couple of days will be busy--I am meeting with a colleague tomorrow morning, and on Friday we have phone calls and meetings with members of our support team, so it may be a couple of days before I post again. Overall, the course is steady, if not as smooth as we would like.
Speaking of papers, when it comes to homework the boys are much more interested in the question of to whom the paper belongs, rather than the homework itself. We can do the homework with them, but it's often a battle as to who gets to touch it. Yesterday Elisey brought home a sign that read "no touch" and some pictures of things he is not supposed to touch (light switches, television, computers), the point being he is supposed to rehearse what he is not to touch without permission. But he just wanted to show off the items he had been given, and was uninterested in the content. Again, this comes out of their deprivation of any possessions at the orphanage.
Yesterday Donna and I tried again to out to lunch. Although they had done pretty well the last time, this time Elisey really acted out, to an extent that our babysitter had never seen before (although it sounded familiar to us).
Along those same lines: when we enrolled the boys at school, we tried to warn them about their behaviors. "Oh, we've seen that kind of thing before and we have tools to handle it," they assured us. Now they are signalling that, no, they haven't seen this kind of child, and are desperately trying to figure out how to manage them. Us too.
Cudos to the school for their efforts, however. And we are seeing some huge improvements, in their English, in their writing, and in their counting. When they are calm--and that is the big issue--they both are quite interested in learning and practicing what they have learned. (And, for example, when Elisey is in a happy, compliant mood, he will eagerly say, "I'm not touching." ) We are very happy with that.
And so it goes.
The next couple of days will be busy--I am meeting with a colleague tomorrow morning, and on Friday we have phone calls and meetings with members of our support team, so it may be a couple of days before I post again. Overall, the course is steady, if not as smooth as we would like.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Conversations
With our limited Bulgarian, and the boys' even more limited English, there are not so many topics of conversation we can have. Here are some of the few subjects we do discuss. Many of them come up on our daily walks.
-- What is dangerous. A big topic, of understandable concern for small children ripped away from the only home they knew. In addition, Donna and I have emphasized that the stove is dangerous, etc.. Often Elisey asks me if something is a little dangerous or very dangerous. He also seems to want to believe that the things that fascinate him are only a little dangerous. These include cars, airplanes, motorcycles, and, sigh, guns and other weapons. For an eight-year-old boy with almost no English and zero impulse control, the answer for now is that they are all very dangerous. Nuances can come later.
-- What we are afraid of. This follows naturally from the previous.
-- What is ours. The boys have only a vague idea of ownership, having had everything in common at the orphanage, even clothes, and therefore nothing to call their own. Elisey in particular is keen to accrete possessions to himself and often just declares that things belong to him, even at school. On our walks he sometimes gets indignant when I inform him that a car, a house, a flower, does not belong to him or to us.
-- Where is everyone? Similarly the boys, used to communal living, do not understand that everyone in American has their own home. When the social worker, or our in-home helper leaves, or the boys leave their teachers at school to come home, they (Elisey most often) ask plaintively, where is X? We tell them they are at their home, but don't have the language to explain that everyone has their own home. I don't think they would quite understand yet, as they haven't visited other people's homes, which we are reluctant to (see the previous paragraph).
-- The quality of food. The boys often declare meals to be tasty, although Dimcho doesn't like vegetables as much and often makes a face and waves it away.Elisey likes most foods, and even has developed a taste for mustard on his ham and his hamburger.
-- The quality of buildings, especially toilets. When we are out and have to go to the bathroom, the boys often declare, "Hubava toaletna" (nice toilet!) even if it is a filthy men's room in the park. Mostly it's the novelty, I think.
Elisey also likes to talk about the police, although he has trouble understanding how the police can be nice if guns are not (again, nuances will come later), and cries out in excitement every time he sees an airplane, wanting to know if it is a large airplane or a small one. And if it is dangerous. As we live near a small airfield, we have this conversation often.
-- What is dangerous. A big topic, of understandable concern for small children ripped away from the only home they knew. In addition, Donna and I have emphasized that the stove is dangerous, etc.. Often Elisey asks me if something is a little dangerous or very dangerous. He also seems to want to believe that the things that fascinate him are only a little dangerous. These include cars, airplanes, motorcycles, and, sigh, guns and other weapons. For an eight-year-old boy with almost no English and zero impulse control, the answer for now is that they are all very dangerous. Nuances can come later.
-- What we are afraid of. This follows naturally from the previous.
-- What is ours. The boys have only a vague idea of ownership, having had everything in common at the orphanage, even clothes, and therefore nothing to call their own. Elisey in particular is keen to accrete possessions to himself and often just declares that things belong to him, even at school. On our walks he sometimes gets indignant when I inform him that a car, a house, a flower, does not belong to him or to us.
-- Where is everyone? Similarly the boys, used to communal living, do not understand that everyone in American has their own home. When the social worker, or our in-home helper leaves, or the boys leave their teachers at school to come home, they (Elisey most often) ask plaintively, where is X? We tell them they are at their home, but don't have the language to explain that everyone has their own home. I don't think they would quite understand yet, as they haven't visited other people's homes, which we are reluctant to (see the previous paragraph).
-- The quality of food. The boys often declare meals to be tasty, although Dimcho doesn't like vegetables as much and often makes a face and waves it away.Elisey likes most foods, and even has developed a taste for mustard on his ham and his hamburger.
-- The quality of buildings, especially toilets. When we are out and have to go to the bathroom, the boys often declare, "Hubava toaletna" (nice toilet!) even if it is a filthy men's room in the park. Mostly it's the novelty, I think.
Elisey also likes to talk about the police, although he has trouble understanding how the police can be nice if guns are not (again, nuances will come later), and cries out in excitement every time he sees an airplane, wanting to know if it is a large airplane or a small one. And if it is dangerous. As we live near a small airfield, we have this conversation often.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Silly faces
As I've mentioned, Elisey loves to mug for the camera. He frequently asks me to take out the camera and take pictures of him. Actually, it's sometimes a hindrance, because if I try to take a picture or a video of him in action, he often stops and poses, when I really just want him to keep on with what he's doing.
He does love his silly faces, though:
He also loves his broken castoff possession, such as these broken sunglasses he begged off Donna. He thinks they make him look cool. To me he looks like a hipster nerd pirate:
Because Dimcho does not demand I take pictures of him (though he does like looking at pictures of himself, crying out "Dimch!" when he sees himself), we end up with fewer pictures of him. I try to remember to take some anyway:
He does love his silly faces, though:
He also loves his broken castoff possession, such as these broken sunglasses he begged off Donna. He thinks they make him look cool. To me he looks like a hipster nerd pirate:
Because Dimcho does not demand I take pictures of him (though he does like looking at pictures of himself, crying out "Dimch!" when he sees himself), we end up with fewer pictures of him. I try to remember to take some anyway:
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Zoopark
This morning we took the boys to the Zoo. We bought them memberships so we can go whenever we feel like it and spend a short period of time so as not to get exhausted. But we spent almost 2 hours at the zoo, looking at orangutans, bears, leopards, rhinos, giraffes, and many more animals. The boys enjoyed it.
The main conflict was Elisey not wanting to hold an adult's hand when we're walking around. While I know it's part of child development to want independence, he also doesn't stop when told to, and so it's not safe to let him wander unattached all the time. This is going to be a long term conflict, I'm afraid. When we walk around the neighborhood and I tell him to hold my hand, he argues, saying, "I don't see any cars here, do you? Do you?" While I understand enough Bulgarian to know what he is saying, mine is too limited to explain that if he stopped more quickly when I told him to, he could more often walk without holding my hand. That will have to wait until he gets more English.
Afterward we went to a playground near the zoo. The boys enjoyed this almost as much.
We will probably return to the zoo often, assuming all goes well.
Here are the boys at the zoo:
The main conflict was Elisey not wanting to hold an adult's hand when we're walking around. While I know it's part of child development to want independence, he also doesn't stop when told to, and so it's not safe to let him wander unattached all the time. This is going to be a long term conflict, I'm afraid. When we walk around the neighborhood and I tell him to hold my hand, he argues, saying, "I don't see any cars here, do you? Do you?" While I understand enough Bulgarian to know what he is saying, mine is too limited to explain that if he stopped more quickly when I told him to, he could more often walk without holding my hand. That will have to wait until he gets more English.
Afterward we went to a playground near the zoo. The boys enjoyed this almost as much.
We will probably return to the zoo often, assuming all goes well.
Here are the boys at the zoo:
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Sack lunch
The third day of school also went well. We hope Elisey calms down enough he doesn't need a staff member by his side full time.
As I've explained before, both boys have a lot of anger issues, as do many adopted children, especially older ones. A lot of Elisey's anger is directed towards himself, and we suspect he has a lot of negative thoughts about himself. This is evidenced by him frequently asking if he is a good boy, and he has on occasion lamented to Donna that Dimcho is a good boy but he isn't.
Yesterday, while rocking and moaning, something he does often, he began to hit himself. We hadn't seen this behavior much before. We redirected him by inflating the punching clown, though to get him to hit it, I had to pull out my camera for a photo shoot. There are odder therapy strategies out there, but redirecting anger through a photoshoot is pretty odd for us.
The boys were unhappy there is no school today, but they must have had weekends off in Bulgaria. Late this morning we took a short hike in Marion Bear park, and then had sack lunch. Part of this is getting them ready to take lunches to school; while they could buy lunch, it requires using a PIN number, and between that and having to make choices, we think packed lunches will be better. It will be some weeks, if not longer, before we have then stay through lunch and after.
As I've explained before, both boys have a lot of anger issues, as do many adopted children, especially older ones. A lot of Elisey's anger is directed towards himself, and we suspect he has a lot of negative thoughts about himself. This is evidenced by him frequently asking if he is a good boy, and he has on occasion lamented to Donna that Dimcho is a good boy but he isn't.
Yesterday, while rocking and moaning, something he does often, he began to hit himself. We hadn't seen this behavior much before. We redirected him by inflating the punching clown, though to get him to hit it, I had to pull out my camera for a photo shoot. There are odder therapy strategies out there, but redirecting anger through a photoshoot is pretty odd for us.
The boys were unhappy there is no school today, but they must have had weekends off in Bulgaria. Late this morning we took a short hike in Marion Bear park, and then had sack lunch. Part of this is getting them ready to take lunches to school; while they could buy lunch, it requires using a PIN number, and between that and having to make choices, we think packed lunches will be better. It will be some weeks, if not longer, before we have then stay through lunch and after.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Second day went well
The second day of school went well. Both boys seem happy with school so far, and are just as calm or even calmer in the afternoons. It's still early, so we will see how their behavior goes once they settle in. It will likely improve, although it is also possible that Elisey may start testing boundaries when he feels comfortable.
It's a big burden on the school, one we are keenly aware of: for now, they have to have one staff member with him at all times, to keep him from dashing out of the classroom--again, mostly from excitement--or simply wandering off task. That's a huge drain for a school that already has a lot of special needs children. We all hope that as he learns the culture of school, he won't need this.
Yesterday we had a follow-up visit with our pediatrician. Both boys gained some weight in merely month, Dimcho a pound and Elisey almost three pounds. Since they were at the 5 percentile in size for their ages, this is good news. It's also not surprising, given how much food we have been shoveling into them, all of it healthy food with almost no sugary or salty snacks. They also had to have some shots, which lead to much crying. But actually we were amazed how compliant they were with the shots: neither boy lashed out or tried to run out of the room, even though they knew what was coming. That's huge.
Next week we have an "official" visit from our social worker, who has come several times already, to prepare a required report to Bulgaria on the boys' progress. Although it has been stressful for us, and Elisey is a handful, overall we have to say they are doing well. They eat and sleep well, they receive and seek out affection from us and give affection to us, even exhibit some appropriate separation anxiety. Elisey even is slightly distraught when we leave him at school, which means he is progressing on attaching to us. It's still a long journey, but we are moving forward.
It's a big burden on the school, one we are keenly aware of: for now, they have to have one staff member with him at all times, to keep him from dashing out of the classroom--again, mostly from excitement--or simply wandering off task. That's a huge drain for a school that already has a lot of special needs children. We all hope that as he learns the culture of school, he won't need this.
Yesterday we had a follow-up visit with our pediatrician. Both boys gained some weight in merely month, Dimcho a pound and Elisey almost three pounds. Since they were at the 5 percentile in size for their ages, this is good news. It's also not surprising, given how much food we have been shoveling into them, all of it healthy food with almost no sugary or salty snacks. They also had to have some shots, which lead to much crying. But actually we were amazed how compliant they were with the shots: neither boy lashed out or tried to run out of the room, even though they knew what was coming. That's huge.
Next week we have an "official" visit from our social worker, who has come several times already, to prepare a required report to Bulgaria on the boys' progress. Although it has been stressful for us, and Elisey is a handful, overall we have to say they are doing well. They eat and sleep well, they receive and seek out affection from us and give affection to us, even exhibit some appropriate separation anxiety. Elisey even is slightly distraught when we leave him at school, which means he is progressing on attaching to us. It's still a long journey, but we are moving forward.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Report card
The first day went well. The boys were very happy about school, Elisey especially about the playground. They have "structured recess" where specific games are introduced. This is particularly good for Elisey, who is best when he can imitate someone; Dimcho is better at spontaneous play. Elisey did apparently run out of the classroom five or six times, probably out of excitement, and for the immediate future the school will have someone by his side most of the time.
But Elisey also came back and without prompting wrote out his name and several numbers, something he hadn't done before.
Again, our red hats are off to the staff and teachers for working so hard for us and our boys. We will be writing positive letters to and about them.
Today (Thursday) we go to the pediatrician for a follow up. The boys' blood work was mostly good. The only boosters they need are polio. Dimcho also has a slightly elevated lead level, but he displays no signs of ill effects and we expect it to go down. No need to be worried, but we will monitor with follow up tests over the next year.
But Elisey also came back and without prompting wrote out his name and several numbers, something he hadn't done before.
Again, our red hats are off to the staff and teachers for working so hard for us and our boys. We will be writing positive letters to and about them.
Today (Thursday) we go to the pediatrician for a follow up. The boys' blood work was mostly good. The only boosters they need are polio. Dimcho also has a slightly elevated lead level, but he displays no signs of ill effects and we expect it to go down. No need to be worried, but we will monitor with follow up tests over the next year.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
First day of school
Yesterday (Tuesday) we enrolled the boys at their new school, Lafayette Elementary, and this morning they started in their new classes. The boys were excited to be starting a new school, although they were most excited about their backpacks and the new playground.
The school is about a 10-15 minute walk from home, and we hope to walk them often, to get some more energy out of them.
The staff and teachers were extremely kind and helpful and gave us a lot of their time, which we really appreciate in this era when so often public schools are vilified and underfunded (when adjusted for cost of living, California is 41st in the nation in spending on education). This especially when we are not in a wealthy neighborhood. About 60% of the students attending the school are eligible for free or reduced-cost lunches.
In addition to all the time and energy the staff and teachers gave us, they also agreed with us that Elisey is better off in a 1st grade classroom, even though he is old enough for 2nd grade, a classroom with a lot of structure and shorter modules, and that the boys will just start on half-days for now, leaving before lunch. (Dimcho is in kindergarten.) This will make the transition easier for them. We got to sit in for a few minutes with the boys at their classes. The teachers also even took the time to look up a couple of basic phrases in Bulgarian. The main thing we had to educate them on is that Bulgarians shake their heads from side to side, rather than nod up and down, to signal "yes," something very counter-intuitive to Americans.
We are still keeping our fingers crossed. The boys are used to school, but it may still be overwhelming to them, with their delayed emotional development. Or, we hope, they will really take off, with structured learning and new children to play with and follow. While Dimcho seems more natural at initiating play on his own, Elisey seems to do well watching and imitating, so we have strong hopes for this.
Our schedules are flexible so that we can easily stay home afternoon for the immediate future (I'm officially on paternity leave until the end of February, with a retired professor taking over my classes until I am back) and will be available should there be any problems. I expect any major problems will surface in the next week or two, and after that we can breathe more easily.
Here are the boys with their backpacks, ready to head off to school!
The school is about a 10-15 minute walk from home, and we hope to walk them often, to get some more energy out of them.
The staff and teachers were extremely kind and helpful and gave us a lot of their time, which we really appreciate in this era when so often public schools are vilified and underfunded (when adjusted for cost of living, California is 41st in the nation in spending on education). This especially when we are not in a wealthy neighborhood. About 60% of the students attending the school are eligible for free or reduced-cost lunches.
In addition to all the time and energy the staff and teachers gave us, they also agreed with us that Elisey is better off in a 1st grade classroom, even though he is old enough for 2nd grade, a classroom with a lot of structure and shorter modules, and that the boys will just start on half-days for now, leaving before lunch. (Dimcho is in kindergarten.) This will make the transition easier for them. We got to sit in for a few minutes with the boys at their classes. The teachers also even took the time to look up a couple of basic phrases in Bulgarian. The main thing we had to educate them on is that Bulgarians shake their heads from side to side, rather than nod up and down, to signal "yes," something very counter-intuitive to Americans.
We are still keeping our fingers crossed. The boys are used to school, but it may still be overwhelming to them, with their delayed emotional development. Or, we hope, they will really take off, with structured learning and new children to play with and follow. While Dimcho seems more natural at initiating play on his own, Elisey seems to do well watching and imitating, so we have strong hopes for this.
Our schedules are flexible so that we can easily stay home afternoon for the immediate future (I'm officially on paternity leave until the end of February, with a retired professor taking over my classes until I am back) and will be available should there be any problems. I expect any major problems will surface in the next week or two, and after that we can breathe more easily.
Here are the boys with their backpacks, ready to head off to school!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Fifty
My birthday was fairly quiet, not being easy to arrange anything extravagant. We weren't able to get to the school today to register the boys, but will do so on Tuesday. The boys had their usual bobbing up and down, although they knew it was my birthday. Elisey expressed sadness that it would be so long until his next birthday.
Dinner was simple but tasty, a step up from the frozen dinners we have been often having: country-style pork "ribs", green beans, and jambalaya. The boys were disappointed we didn't have cake to celebrate. After dinner the boys had baths; I took Dimcho, and he and I had a grand time playing "Worst Coffee Shop in the World." Dimcho pretended to make coffee or cappuchinos or something, complete with sound effects--he's quite good at it--with a cup of bathwater, and I, after asking him dubiously if it is delicious, would pretend to taste it and to be spectacularly disgusted with it. Much splashing and laughter ensued.
To mark the milestone I tried to sneak off to a late showing of "The Hobbit" but the projector didn't work, which is probably just as well, as I've heard it's not as good as Jackson's earlier Lord of the Rings movies. Life goes on anyway.
Dinner was simple but tasty, a step up from the frozen dinners we have been often having: country-style pork "ribs", green beans, and jambalaya. The boys were disappointed we didn't have cake to celebrate. After dinner the boys had baths; I took Dimcho, and he and I had a grand time playing "Worst Coffee Shop in the World." Dimcho pretended to make coffee or cappuchinos or something, complete with sound effects--he's quite good at it--with a cup of bathwater, and I, after asking him dubiously if it is delicious, would pretend to taste it and to be spectacularly disgusted with it. Much splashing and laughter ensued.
To mark the milestone I tried to sneak off to a late showing of "The Hobbit" but the projector didn't work, which is probably just as well, as I've heard it's not as good as Jackson's earlier Lord of the Rings movies. Life goes on anyway.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Getting ready for the next change
We're in a mostly okay steady state. Donna and I are calmer and Elisey is calmer, although he still acts out, frequently and at times and in ways we can mostly predict, although he's hard to redirect. He also recovers faster from acting out, though we'd also like to reduce the frequency of acting out.
Dimcho acts out, too, and has his Tiny Tyrant rages, but he also seems to have more fun. When Elisey and I come home from a long walk, which is one of the best times with Elisey, we often find Dimcho and Donna having a tea party and singing nonsense songs, a moment of happy family.
The last couple of days they have played "moving" to a new house. Elisey empties out his toy box and stuffs all his and Dimcho's clothes into them, and then they talk about how they will take an airplane to their new house, and how it will have a working TV, in their bedroom, and working CD players and so on. Sometimes Donna and I are invited, sometimes not. We humor them; it seems a softer version of "running away to your best friend's house" that many kids do. I also suspect it is a way of dealing with the upheaval in their life, and their fear that they may have to move on to yet another home. In the end all their clothes get put back into their dressers and Elisey goes to sleep saying how much he loves Mama and Tatko. (Dimcho by this point has already fallen asleep in our bed after reading a couple of books.)
School will be a big change. Tomorrow we will go to the school to enroll them and talk to the principal and, we hope, their teachers. We will also start pushing to get behavioral evaluations as soon as possible in order to access services for them. Our plan is to start them actually at school on Tuesday, and only part-time, but we have to see what we can coordinate with the school.
Dimcho acts out, too, and has his Tiny Tyrant rages, but he also seems to have more fun. When Elisey and I come home from a long walk, which is one of the best times with Elisey, we often find Dimcho and Donna having a tea party and singing nonsense songs, a moment of happy family.
The last couple of days they have played "moving" to a new house. Elisey empties out his toy box and stuffs all his and Dimcho's clothes into them, and then they talk about how they will take an airplane to their new house, and how it will have a working TV, in their bedroom, and working CD players and so on. Sometimes Donna and I are invited, sometimes not. We humor them; it seems a softer version of "running away to your best friend's house" that many kids do. I also suspect it is a way of dealing with the upheaval in their life, and their fear that they may have to move on to yet another home. In the end all their clothes get put back into their dressers and Elisey goes to sleep saying how much he loves Mama and Tatko. (Dimcho by this point has already fallen asleep in our bed after reading a couple of books.)
School will be a big change. Tomorrow we will go to the school to enroll them and talk to the principal and, we hope, their teachers. We will also start pushing to get behavioral evaluations as soon as possible in order to access services for them. Our plan is to start them actually at school on Tuesday, and only part-time, but we have to see what we can coordinate with the school.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Lunch out
As practice, Donna and I went out to lunch at a nearby restaurant, (Aladdin, a local restaurant less than 2 miles from our house we frequent) while our in-home helper, J, stayed with the kids. It seemed to have gone well, or at least no more worse than usual, which is a good sign.
We may have a bit of a struggle on our hands. The boys both wanted to return to the playground this morning, rather than a walk. But again Elisey was fairly passive, not getting enough energy out, and Dimcho wanted to go home early. We did have walks before lunch. We may have to favor walks over the playground, which could lead to unhappiness. But the boys get out more energy on walks and are better behaved because of it.
We may have a bit of a struggle on our hands. The boys both wanted to return to the playground this morning, rather than a walk. But again Elisey was fairly passive, not getting enough energy out, and Dimcho wanted to go home early. We did have walks before lunch. We may have to favor walks over the playground, which could lead to unhappiness. But the boys get out more energy on walks and are better behaved because of it.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Fashionista
While Elisey will wear pretty much most of his clothes, except for one shirt which really is too big, Dimcho has two favorite shirts and melts down if both of them are in the laundry. Dimcho also insists on having his shirt tucked in, and nothing can get accomplished until he is properly attired. Elisey doesn't mind his shirt hanging out, although he is also fine with his shirt tucked in.
New clothes--in fact anything new--get their attention. The boys even notice if I wear a "new" shirt, that is, one they haven't seen me wear before, and they comment on it.
We continually to have relative calm. It's still a bit tense. Dimcho has fits of wildness, even trying to scratch and bite me, all while laughing. I don't think he understands that it could hurt. Elisey recovers from his meltdowns faster, but they are still atypical for most children. If I say "no" to something, he immediately goes and does something else forbidden, usually more forbidden, as if to try to blackmail me into his demand. He is also remarkably specific. For example, the other day he wanted to play with a spatula. I gave him the choice between two other spatulas, but he demanded the one he pointed out, and when I refused, he again went and did something forbidden, I forgot what, something like grab a book of Donna's. We are trying to understand what is behind this behavior.
The fact that he recovers from a meltdown more quickly, and sometimes even on his own without assistance from us, is progress, we try to remember.
New clothes--in fact anything new--get their attention. The boys even notice if I wear a "new" shirt, that is, one they haven't seen me wear before, and they comment on it.
We continually to have relative calm. It's still a bit tense. Dimcho has fits of wildness, even trying to scratch and bite me, all while laughing. I don't think he understands that it could hurt. Elisey recovers from his meltdowns faster, but they are still atypical for most children. If I say "no" to something, he immediately goes and does something else forbidden, usually more forbidden, as if to try to blackmail me into his demand. He is also remarkably specific. For example, the other day he wanted to play with a spatula. I gave him the choice between two other spatulas, but he demanded the one he pointed out, and when I refused, he again went and did something forbidden, I forgot what, something like grab a book of Donna's. We are trying to understand what is behind this behavior.
The fact that he recovers from a meltdown more quickly, and sometimes even on his own without assistance from us, is progress, we try to remember.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Moving forward
Our local school starts next week and we would like to put the boys in, at least part time. While we connected with the principal before we went to Bulgaria, the office staff are still out this week. So it's not clear when we will be able to register, meet the teachers, and so on.
We don't know how it will work. Elisey says he is anxious to start school, and we hope the structure will be good for him. On the hand, given how easily he melts down when he is frustrated by a task -- much like a two-year-old -- we worry it will be overwhelming.
We also don't know how well the schools will be able to handle them. As we talk to educators, it becomes clear that the boys are much more unique than we realized. We don't have grandiose expectations for them, but their delays are mostly institutional, not wholly organic, and we don't know how the school will respond to boys who can throw an infinitely long tantrum, throw things, and so on. A friend from church who is a teacher came by, and she was telling us about how they would likely be started on a computer. I pointed out the boys would probably unplug the computer, become frustrated, and throw it, something that surprised her. But despite their problems, they probably should not be shelved with kids who have organic problems, at least not until we have a better idea of where they are at.
They do show promise. Elisey can count to 12 in English, and almost to 20, having trouble with 13, and he has mostly memorized the ABC song even without knowing the letters, in just a few days.
As with all parents, we will have to be their strong advocates, and will likely have to educate their teachers, who haven't seen kids like this before.
Today was a pretty calm day. Dimcho awoke at 4:30 and joined us in bed, and then thrashed around, insisting he didn't want to sleep. He has been acting out almost more than Elisey, with more random hitting, kicking, scratching, and biting, but since he is smaller it is easier to brush aside. Elisey wants to be a good boy, and often asks if he is. We suspect he may have been told, in ugly words, that he is a bad boy, and this internal script he has learned may be driving some of his behavior.
We don't know how it will work. Elisey says he is anxious to start school, and we hope the structure will be good for him. On the hand, given how easily he melts down when he is frustrated by a task -- much like a two-year-old -- we worry it will be overwhelming.
We also don't know how well the schools will be able to handle them. As we talk to educators, it becomes clear that the boys are much more unique than we realized. We don't have grandiose expectations for them, but their delays are mostly institutional, not wholly organic, and we don't know how the school will respond to boys who can throw an infinitely long tantrum, throw things, and so on. A friend from church who is a teacher came by, and she was telling us about how they would likely be started on a computer. I pointed out the boys would probably unplug the computer, become frustrated, and throw it, something that surprised her. But despite their problems, they probably should not be shelved with kids who have organic problems, at least not until we have a better idea of where they are at.
They do show promise. Elisey can count to 12 in English, and almost to 20, having trouble with 13, and he has mostly memorized the ABC song even without knowing the letters, in just a few days.
As with all parents, we will have to be their strong advocates, and will likely have to educate their teachers, who haven't seen kids like this before.
Today was a pretty calm day. Dimcho awoke at 4:30 and joined us in bed, and then thrashed around, insisting he didn't want to sleep. He has been acting out almost more than Elisey, with more random hitting, kicking, scratching, and biting, but since he is smaller it is easier to brush aside. Elisey wants to be a good boy, and often asks if he is. We suspect he may have been told, in ugly words, that he is a bad boy, and this internal script he has learned may be driving some of his behavior.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Elisey is eight
Today is Elisey's eighth birthday. Although the last couple of days were pretty calm, today he was grumpier (and I in turn I was grumpier), which made it more of a struggle.
One thing we have changed is gone from going to the playground to going for a walk around the neighborhood. Both boys enjoy it, especially Elisey, but we can split up and take Elisey for a longer walk. We are walking almost an hour, which I hope helps to tire him out. I don't know if that affects his mood, but ought to help his sleeping. He even napped, a bit, after lunch.
Fortunately dinner was mostly a happy affair, and when after dinner we brought out a simple cake and announced it was his eighth birthday, Elisey was very happy. He was also pleased with the cake and the little plush-toy airplane he got as a present. Not only does Elisey love airplanes ("samolet" in Bulgarian), this is soft enough he can throw it around the house and it won't hurt anyone or anything. Fortunately Dimcho accepted the convention that Elisey got a present and not him (we were not sure he would) so all went smoothly.
Here is Elisey and his airplane.
And here is one of Dimcho for balance.
One thing we have changed is gone from going to the playground to going for a walk around the neighborhood. Both boys enjoy it, especially Elisey, but we can split up and take Elisey for a longer walk. We are walking almost an hour, which I hope helps to tire him out. I don't know if that affects his mood, but ought to help his sleeping. He even napped, a bit, after lunch.
Fortunately dinner was mostly a happy affair, and when after dinner we brought out a simple cake and announced it was his eighth birthday, Elisey was very happy. He was also pleased with the cake and the little plush-toy airplane he got as a present. Not only does Elisey love airplanes ("samolet" in Bulgarian), this is soft enough he can throw it around the house and it won't hurt anyone or anything. Fortunately Dimcho accepted the convention that Elisey got a present and not him (we were not sure he would) so all went smoothly.
Here is Elisey and his airplane.
And here is one of Dimcho for balance.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Fear and Anger (and a Happy New Year!)
Elisey and Dimcho, like a lot of children who have been institutionalized and/or lost their families of origin, have a lot of anger. We see this every day.
An interesting example yesterday. Elisey was standing on his toy box, which he has been told is not safe, and, and he fell off it. He wasn't hurt much, but he lashed out at his toy box, kicking and hitting it. We weren't surprised by them throwing toys that frustrate them, but hitting something in this way, blaming it for his getting hurt, was new.
Last night Donna and I shared some of our thoughts about our progress and how were struggling with it. Donna had more profound spiritual thoughts, whereas mine, I am afraid, were based in the mundane and secular: I recalled a scene from the latest "Batman" movie, wherein a young cop played by Joseph Gordon-Leavitt tells Bruce Wayne how he lost he parents at an early age to violence he witnessed. He tells how a series of foster parents "understood" he was angry, but after a while they wanted him to stop being that angry boy and he couldn't, and so he got shuffled from foster home to foster home, and eventually into an orphanage. I try to keep that scene in mind, that just because I want Elisey to stop being an angry boy, he can't leave behind his anger so easily.
There are also normal childhood fears. Elisey had a little trouble falling asleep, because he was convinced there were bears in (I think) the attic. Bears are a source of fascination and fear for both the boys, probably because there was a bear at the zoo near the orphanage. I often pretend to be a bear and chase the boys around and they laugh and scream happily. But when the smoke alarm chirped, signalling a weak battery, I am afraid I joked it was a bear, and perhaps Elisey took me too seriously. If I understood him correctly, he wanted to move to a new house without bears in the attic.
Alas, I can't take him up to the attic to show there are no bears, because I would never hear the end of him wanting to go up again into the attic.
We wish our faithful readers a happy and peaceful 2013. Maybe we'll get a tiny bit of that too.
An interesting example yesterday. Elisey was standing on his toy box, which he has been told is not safe, and, and he fell off it. He wasn't hurt much, but he lashed out at his toy box, kicking and hitting it. We weren't surprised by them throwing toys that frustrate them, but hitting something in this way, blaming it for his getting hurt, was new.
Last night Donna and I shared some of our thoughts about our progress and how were struggling with it. Donna had more profound spiritual thoughts, whereas mine, I am afraid, were based in the mundane and secular: I recalled a scene from the latest "Batman" movie, wherein a young cop played by Joseph Gordon-Leavitt tells Bruce Wayne how he lost he parents at an early age to violence he witnessed. He tells how a series of foster parents "understood" he was angry, but after a while they wanted him to stop being that angry boy and he couldn't, and so he got shuffled from foster home to foster home, and eventually into an orphanage. I try to keep that scene in mind, that just because I want Elisey to stop being an angry boy, he can't leave behind his anger so easily.
There are also normal childhood fears. Elisey had a little trouble falling asleep, because he was convinced there were bears in (I think) the attic. Bears are a source of fascination and fear for both the boys, probably because there was a bear at the zoo near the orphanage. I often pretend to be a bear and chase the boys around and they laugh and scream happily. But when the smoke alarm chirped, signalling a weak battery, I am afraid I joked it was a bear, and perhaps Elisey took me too seriously. If I understood him correctly, he wanted to move to a new house without bears in the attic.
Alas, I can't take him up to the attic to show there are no bears, because I would never hear the end of him wanting to go up again into the attic.
We wish our faithful readers a happy and peaceful 2013. Maybe we'll get a tiny bit of that too.
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