We didn't get much sleep last night, kept awake by anxiety and stress, although I suppose the fact we could be awake at all suggests somewhat less stress. In the early days we slept like stones for 8 to 10 hours.
Then Dimcho awoke at 5:30 and declared it was no longer night and he didn't want to sleep. Even Elisey begged him to be allowed to sleep five more minutes. But the Tiny Terror brooked no mercy, and eventually around 6:30 we all dragged ourselves up.
The rest of the morning has been quiet.
I may not post for a while. I've run out of ideas, and I don't really like writing post after post of complaints.
We wish every one a happy New Year!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
We get by with a little help, sometimes
We've hired an in-home helper, essentially a babysitter to watch the boys for a few hours even while we are home, so we don't have to be on high alert fourteen hours a day. She has quite a bit of experience and has been helpful in guiding us to calmer reactions to the boys' meltdowns.
Interestingly, over the past day Elisey has had more frequent meltdowns over smaller things. For example, last night he wasn't allowed to have seconds of cabbage, because he'd had a large plate to begin with and he will eat until his stomach hurts. I've tried to explain this in my pidgin Bulgarian, but he either can't or won't make the connection, or even if he understands intellectually, his years of going hungry in the orphanage overrides his brain.
There have been a couple of other incidents, making for an exhausting morning. We did have some good moments. Elisey wanted to draw a pizza, and figured out by himself (quite an achievement) how to trace the pieces of the toy pizza they have and did a credible job. We also spent some time counting up to 20, which both boys enjoyed a lot. It's not easy to stretch those minutes out to a whole day, unfortunately. Our babysitter, J, is here now, so Donna can take a needed nap and I can write a quick post and answer a few e-mails.
In addition to J we have several other experts to help us, although most of them are still on Christmas break. We'll catch up with them over the next couple of weeks.
Interestingly, over the past day Elisey has had more frequent meltdowns over smaller things. For example, last night he wasn't allowed to have seconds of cabbage, because he'd had a large plate to begin with and he will eat until his stomach hurts. I've tried to explain this in my pidgin Bulgarian, but he either can't or won't make the connection, or even if he understands intellectually, his years of going hungry in the orphanage overrides his brain.
There have been a couple of other incidents, making for an exhausting morning. We did have some good moments. Elisey wanted to draw a pizza, and figured out by himself (quite an achievement) how to trace the pieces of the toy pizza they have and did a credible job. We also spent some time counting up to 20, which both boys enjoyed a lot. It's not easy to stretch those minutes out to a whole day, unfortunately. Our babysitter, J, is here now, so Donna can take a needed nap and I can write a quick post and answer a few e-mails.
In addition to J we have several other experts to help us, although most of them are still on Christmas break. We'll catch up with them over the next couple of weeks.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
A day in the life...
All children love routine; institutionalized kids thrive and survive on it. Here is our daily routine, to the best that we can keep it:
We've even begun to recite this with the boys, which helps them feel a sense of regularity.
We've even begun to recite this with the boys, which helps them feel a sense of regularity.
6:30 Dobro utro! Good morning
7:00 Vesnik i café. Newspaper
and coffee (only for Mama and Tatko)
7:30 Zakuska.
Breakfast
8:30 Na vola.
To the playground
9:30 Igrame.
We play
10:30
Zakuska. Snack
11:00
Igrame. We play
12:30 Obed. Lunch
1:00 Igrame, ili Gospozha Jessica.
4:00 Na vola. To
the playground
5:00 Igrame. We
play
6:00 Vecheria. Dinner
7:00 Banya.
Bath
7:30 Knigi.
Books
8:00
Leka nosht i hlyep. Good night, and bread
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Rainy Boxing Day
Christmas Day was a bit strained. Although the boys were thrilled by their new scooters, their happy mood quickly evaporated like a teaspoon of water in the Mojave, and we had the usual sequence of meltdowns, bad mouthing, and so on. It gets tiring after a while.
Dimcho continues to ramp up his meltdowns, making demands he knows will not be met and having a screaming fit, throwing things, hitting people, and so on. He's smaller so it's easier to take, and it's interesting to see his anger issues emerge, when he was so placid and cheerful in the beginning.
It rained this morning, but stopped enough that we could go to the playground and ride scooters. There was some friction when Elisey fell in a small puddle and wanted to go home (the boys have this weird aversion, even phobia, to getting this clothes wet, certainly something drilled into them at the orphanage) but Dimcho wanted to stay. Later, Dimcho was ready to go but Elisey wanted to go. Finally, as we were leaving Dimcho decided he didn't want to go home and had a meltdown. Perhaps you see a common thread running through these events.
We have spent part of the rest of this morning building a furniture fort, which Elisey likes doing, but he tended to just shove furniture together, without thought of access. So today I showed him how to line up chairs in a row so there was a little space inbetween. Dimcho loved hiding there, but Elisey seemed more interested in accreting furniture to the fort.
After that we had a nice time when Elisey drew with Donna and I played blocks with Dimcho. If we had more time during the day like that, we would be less stressed.
I have a little more time to write the blog because our in-home helper is here, playing blocks with the boys.
I have
Dimcho continues to ramp up his meltdowns, making demands he knows will not be met and having a screaming fit, throwing things, hitting people, and so on. He's smaller so it's easier to take, and it's interesting to see his anger issues emerge, when he was so placid and cheerful in the beginning.
It rained this morning, but stopped enough that we could go to the playground and ride scooters. There was some friction when Elisey fell in a small puddle and wanted to go home (the boys have this weird aversion, even phobia, to getting this clothes wet, certainly something drilled into them at the orphanage) but Dimcho wanted to stay. Later, Dimcho was ready to go but Elisey wanted to go. Finally, as we were leaving Dimcho decided he didn't want to go home and had a meltdown. Perhaps you see a common thread running through these events.
We have spent part of the rest of this morning building a furniture fort, which Elisey likes doing, but he tended to just shove furniture together, without thought of access. So today I showed him how to line up chairs in a row so there was a little space inbetween. Dimcho loved hiding there, but Elisey seemed more interested in accreting furniture to the fort.
After that we had a nice time when Elisey drew with Donna and I played blocks with Dimcho. If we had more time during the day like that, we would be less stressed.
I have a little more time to write the blog because our in-home helper is here, playing blocks with the boys.
I have
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Scooter Christmas
A couple of quick pictures of the boys' Christmas morning with scooters. They loved them, but only Elisey really could ride one, as expected.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Merry Christmas
A month after returning home, we are finally starting to relax a bit. In part this is because of our (latest) "new" attitude, remembering the boys' emotional skill set, has helped us be more relaxed, which in turn allows the boys to be more relaxed. Also, after a month the boys are more used to us and their new home and its rules, which are very different from where they grew up. Finally, we have hired an in-home "helper" to watch the boys for a few hours in the afternoon, so we don't have to be on high alert 14 hours a day. It's not quite normal, but we can begin to imagine "normal," whatever that will be, is just over the horizon....
We will try to call close family on Christmas Day, although with the boys' need for attention that may get set aside. We are planning a nice dinner of ham with mashed potatoes and (storebought) apple pie, simple but easy to fix. Don't tell the boys, but they are both getting scooters. Elisey has seen scooters and will be thrilled. He can ride a bike well, so a scooter will be no problem; we're waiting a bike until we know he will follow rules better. Dimcho might have some trouble with a scooter, as even blowing bubbles frustrates him, but when possible we give equal parity toys, as the boys are deep into sibling rivalry. (This has its plus side: whenever one is rebellious, the other is eager to side with Mama and Tatko. If Elisey claims to not understand a word, we can rely on Dimcho to say he understands it perfectly well; if Dimcho doesn't like a food, Elisey will reliably call it delicious.)
We'll try to post pictures in a couple of days. The boys seem to recognize pictures of Santa Claus, calling him some variant of "Nicholas," but I doubt Christmas was a big event for them. An Eastern Orthodox country such as Bulgaria emphasizes (theologically correctly) Easter over Christmas, and they were in a secular, state-run institution. I'm sure by next year they will be fully immersed in the full capitalistic merchandising of Christmas, but enough of my soapbox. They already enjoy driving around the neighborhood looking at pretty lights, and probably think America always looks this way.
We wish every one a Merry Christmas!
We will try to call close family on Christmas Day, although with the boys' need for attention that may get set aside. We are planning a nice dinner of ham with mashed potatoes and (storebought) apple pie, simple but easy to fix. Don't tell the boys, but they are both getting scooters. Elisey has seen scooters and will be thrilled. He can ride a bike well, so a scooter will be no problem; we're waiting a bike until we know he will follow rules better. Dimcho might have some trouble with a scooter, as even blowing bubbles frustrates him, but when possible we give equal parity toys, as the boys are deep into sibling rivalry. (This has its plus side: whenever one is rebellious, the other is eager to side with Mama and Tatko. If Elisey claims to not understand a word, we can rely on Dimcho to say he understands it perfectly well; if Dimcho doesn't like a food, Elisey will reliably call it delicious.)
We'll try to post pictures in a couple of days. The boys seem to recognize pictures of Santa Claus, calling him some variant of "Nicholas," but I doubt Christmas was a big event for them. An Eastern Orthodox country such as Bulgaria emphasizes (theologically correctly) Easter over Christmas, and they were in a secular, state-run institution. I'm sure by next year they will be fully immersed in the full capitalistic merchandising of Christmas, but enough of my soapbox. They already enjoy driving around the neighborhood looking at pretty lights, and probably think America always looks this way.
We wish every one a Merry Christmas!
Five weeks with the boys, four weeks home
The last two days have been calmer. There weren't any major meltdowns, threats, or screaming fits. Also, Elisey has been pretty calm too. :)
Susan effectively linked for us the idea of "the boys have the emotional skills of toddlers" to "relax and don't expect too much," things we had been told, repeatedly, but she also modeled for us how to carry it out in practice. Donna and I were still tense, expecting things to go bad, and Elisey was grumpy in the afternoon, but because we continually reminded ourselves of his emotional skill levels, we didn't let ourselves escalate and so he didn't escalate. When he was selfish or rude, we simply saw the toddler in him.
Dimcho actually had bigger meltdowns, including not eating much of his dinner a couple of nights ago (to be fair, I made a more exotic stew and it (a) may have tasted weird and (b) it had sweet potatoes in it, which look like cooked carrots, and Dimcho refuses to eat cooked carrots--although he likes raw carrots). We were warned, and in fact had already noticed this, that when Elisey is calmer, Dimcho picks up the slack. Because he is younger, and smaller, his meltdowns stress us less which in turn stress the household less, even though he also screams and throws down toys.
Lately Elisey also spent over 45 minutes at the park throwing his toy basketball into a full-sized hoop. If this turns out to be exercise he likes consistently, then great. He even is doing more with the ball in the backyard, throwing it back and forth and so on. Our being calmer seems to be helping him to be calmer and to focus better.
We do not expect smooth sailing from here on out, but if we can reduce everyone anxiety level a few notches, that will make life better for all. Even if we do, there will still be meltdowns from time to time. Everyone who adopts reports this. (On the plane back we met a woman who had adopted two boys before and now was adopting a nine-year old girl, who seemed very quiet and shy. She recently sent us an e-mail, stating that things were going normally, and the screaming, biting, spitting, and so were waning...sounds just like us!) Our goal now is reducing their frequency and intensity.
Although both boys are still impatient like 2-year olds, Elisey is now making progress. He is learning how to swing by himself, and has started to master how to blow bubbles effectively. Dimcho is still too impatient, blowing too hard and then having a fit because he can't blow bubbles, which gives you an idea of what we are up against.
We wish you a Merry Christmas tomorrow!
Susan effectively linked for us the idea of "the boys have the emotional skills of toddlers" to "relax and don't expect too much," things we had been told, repeatedly, but she also modeled for us how to carry it out in practice. Donna and I were still tense, expecting things to go bad, and Elisey was grumpy in the afternoon, but because we continually reminded ourselves of his emotional skill levels, we didn't let ourselves escalate and so he didn't escalate. When he was selfish or rude, we simply saw the toddler in him.
Dimcho actually had bigger meltdowns, including not eating much of his dinner a couple of nights ago (to be fair, I made a more exotic stew and it (a) may have tasted weird and (b) it had sweet potatoes in it, which look like cooked carrots, and Dimcho refuses to eat cooked carrots--although he likes raw carrots). We were warned, and in fact had already noticed this, that when Elisey is calmer, Dimcho picks up the slack. Because he is younger, and smaller, his meltdowns stress us less which in turn stress the household less, even though he also screams and throws down toys.
Lately Elisey also spent over 45 minutes at the park throwing his toy basketball into a full-sized hoop. If this turns out to be exercise he likes consistently, then great. He even is doing more with the ball in the backyard, throwing it back and forth and so on. Our being calmer seems to be helping him to be calmer and to focus better.
We do not expect smooth sailing from here on out, but if we can reduce everyone anxiety level a few notches, that will make life better for all. Even if we do, there will still be meltdowns from time to time. Everyone who adopts reports this. (On the plane back we met a woman who had adopted two boys before and now was adopting a nine-year old girl, who seemed very quiet and shy. She recently sent us an e-mail, stating that things were going normally, and the screaming, biting, spitting, and so were waning...sounds just like us!) Our goal now is reducing their frequency and intensity.
Although both boys are still impatient like 2-year olds, Elisey is now making progress. He is learning how to swing by himself, and has started to master how to blow bubbles effectively. Dimcho is still too impatient, blowing too hard and then having a fit because he can't blow bubbles, which gives you an idea of what we are up against.
We wish you a Merry Christmas tomorrow!
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