My birthday was fairly quiet, not being easy to arrange anything extravagant. We weren't able to get to the school today to register the boys, but will do so on Tuesday. The boys had their usual bobbing up and down, although they knew it was my birthday. Elisey expressed sadness that it would be so long until his next birthday.
Dinner was simple but tasty, a step up from the frozen dinners we have been often having: country-style pork "ribs", green beans, and jambalaya. The boys were disappointed we didn't have cake to celebrate. After dinner the boys had baths; I took Dimcho, and he and I had a grand time playing "Worst Coffee Shop in the World." Dimcho pretended to make coffee or cappuchinos or something, complete with sound effects--he's quite good at it--with a cup of bathwater, and I, after asking him dubiously if it is delicious, would pretend to taste it and to be spectacularly disgusted with it. Much splashing and laughter ensued.
To mark the milestone I tried to sneak off to a late showing of "The Hobbit" but the projector didn't work, which is probably just as well, as I've heard it's not as good as Jackson's earlier Lord of the Rings movies. Life goes on anyway.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Getting ready for the next change
We're in a mostly okay steady state. Donna and I are calmer and Elisey is calmer, although he still acts out, frequently and at times and in ways we can mostly predict, although he's hard to redirect. He also recovers faster from acting out, though we'd also like to reduce the frequency of acting out.
Dimcho acts out, too, and has his Tiny Tyrant rages, but he also seems to have more fun. When Elisey and I come home from a long walk, which is one of the best times with Elisey, we often find Dimcho and Donna having a tea party and singing nonsense songs, a moment of happy family.
The last couple of days they have played "moving" to a new house. Elisey empties out his toy box and stuffs all his and Dimcho's clothes into them, and then they talk about how they will take an airplane to their new house, and how it will have a working TV, in their bedroom, and working CD players and so on. Sometimes Donna and I are invited, sometimes not. We humor them; it seems a softer version of "running away to your best friend's house" that many kids do. I also suspect it is a way of dealing with the upheaval in their life, and their fear that they may have to move on to yet another home. In the end all their clothes get put back into their dressers and Elisey goes to sleep saying how much he loves Mama and Tatko. (Dimcho by this point has already fallen asleep in our bed after reading a couple of books.)
School will be a big change. Tomorrow we will go to the school to enroll them and talk to the principal and, we hope, their teachers. We will also start pushing to get behavioral evaluations as soon as possible in order to access services for them. Our plan is to start them actually at school on Tuesday, and only part-time, but we have to see what we can coordinate with the school.
Dimcho acts out, too, and has his Tiny Tyrant rages, but he also seems to have more fun. When Elisey and I come home from a long walk, which is one of the best times with Elisey, we often find Dimcho and Donna having a tea party and singing nonsense songs, a moment of happy family.
The last couple of days they have played "moving" to a new house. Elisey empties out his toy box and stuffs all his and Dimcho's clothes into them, and then they talk about how they will take an airplane to their new house, and how it will have a working TV, in their bedroom, and working CD players and so on. Sometimes Donna and I are invited, sometimes not. We humor them; it seems a softer version of "running away to your best friend's house" that many kids do. I also suspect it is a way of dealing with the upheaval in their life, and their fear that they may have to move on to yet another home. In the end all their clothes get put back into their dressers and Elisey goes to sleep saying how much he loves Mama and Tatko. (Dimcho by this point has already fallen asleep in our bed after reading a couple of books.)
School will be a big change. Tomorrow we will go to the school to enroll them and talk to the principal and, we hope, their teachers. We will also start pushing to get behavioral evaluations as soon as possible in order to access services for them. Our plan is to start them actually at school on Tuesday, and only part-time, but we have to see what we can coordinate with the school.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Lunch out
As practice, Donna and I went out to lunch at a nearby restaurant, (Aladdin, a local restaurant less than 2 miles from our house we frequent) while our in-home helper, J, stayed with the kids. It seemed to have gone well, or at least no more worse than usual, which is a good sign.
We may have a bit of a struggle on our hands. The boys both wanted to return to the playground this morning, rather than a walk. But again Elisey was fairly passive, not getting enough energy out, and Dimcho wanted to go home early. We did have walks before lunch. We may have to favor walks over the playground, which could lead to unhappiness. But the boys get out more energy on walks and are better behaved because of it.
We may have a bit of a struggle on our hands. The boys both wanted to return to the playground this morning, rather than a walk. But again Elisey was fairly passive, not getting enough energy out, and Dimcho wanted to go home early. We did have walks before lunch. We may have to favor walks over the playground, which could lead to unhappiness. But the boys get out more energy on walks and are better behaved because of it.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Fashionista
While Elisey will wear pretty much most of his clothes, except for one shirt which really is too big, Dimcho has two favorite shirts and melts down if both of them are in the laundry. Dimcho also insists on having his shirt tucked in, and nothing can get accomplished until he is properly attired. Elisey doesn't mind his shirt hanging out, although he is also fine with his shirt tucked in.
New clothes--in fact anything new--get their attention. The boys even notice if I wear a "new" shirt, that is, one they haven't seen me wear before, and they comment on it.
We continually to have relative calm. It's still a bit tense. Dimcho has fits of wildness, even trying to scratch and bite me, all while laughing. I don't think he understands that it could hurt. Elisey recovers from his meltdowns faster, but they are still atypical for most children. If I say "no" to something, he immediately goes and does something else forbidden, usually more forbidden, as if to try to blackmail me into his demand. He is also remarkably specific. For example, the other day he wanted to play with a spatula. I gave him the choice between two other spatulas, but he demanded the one he pointed out, and when I refused, he again went and did something forbidden, I forgot what, something like grab a book of Donna's. We are trying to understand what is behind this behavior.
The fact that he recovers from a meltdown more quickly, and sometimes even on his own without assistance from us, is progress, we try to remember.
New clothes--in fact anything new--get their attention. The boys even notice if I wear a "new" shirt, that is, one they haven't seen me wear before, and they comment on it.
We continually to have relative calm. It's still a bit tense. Dimcho has fits of wildness, even trying to scratch and bite me, all while laughing. I don't think he understands that it could hurt. Elisey recovers from his meltdowns faster, but they are still atypical for most children. If I say "no" to something, he immediately goes and does something else forbidden, usually more forbidden, as if to try to blackmail me into his demand. He is also remarkably specific. For example, the other day he wanted to play with a spatula. I gave him the choice between two other spatulas, but he demanded the one he pointed out, and when I refused, he again went and did something forbidden, I forgot what, something like grab a book of Donna's. We are trying to understand what is behind this behavior.
The fact that he recovers from a meltdown more quickly, and sometimes even on his own without assistance from us, is progress, we try to remember.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Moving forward
Our local school starts next week and we would like to put the boys in, at least part time. While we connected with the principal before we went to Bulgaria, the office staff are still out this week. So it's not clear when we will be able to register, meet the teachers, and so on.
We don't know how it will work. Elisey says he is anxious to start school, and we hope the structure will be good for him. On the hand, given how easily he melts down when he is frustrated by a task -- much like a two-year-old -- we worry it will be overwhelming.
We also don't know how well the schools will be able to handle them. As we talk to educators, it becomes clear that the boys are much more unique than we realized. We don't have grandiose expectations for them, but their delays are mostly institutional, not wholly organic, and we don't know how the school will respond to boys who can throw an infinitely long tantrum, throw things, and so on. A friend from church who is a teacher came by, and she was telling us about how they would likely be started on a computer. I pointed out the boys would probably unplug the computer, become frustrated, and throw it, something that surprised her. But despite their problems, they probably should not be shelved with kids who have organic problems, at least not until we have a better idea of where they are at.
They do show promise. Elisey can count to 12 in English, and almost to 20, having trouble with 13, and he has mostly memorized the ABC song even without knowing the letters, in just a few days.
As with all parents, we will have to be their strong advocates, and will likely have to educate their teachers, who haven't seen kids like this before.
Today was a pretty calm day. Dimcho awoke at 4:30 and joined us in bed, and then thrashed around, insisting he didn't want to sleep. He has been acting out almost more than Elisey, with more random hitting, kicking, scratching, and biting, but since he is smaller it is easier to brush aside. Elisey wants to be a good boy, and often asks if he is. We suspect he may have been told, in ugly words, that he is a bad boy, and this internal script he has learned may be driving some of his behavior.
We don't know how it will work. Elisey says he is anxious to start school, and we hope the structure will be good for him. On the hand, given how easily he melts down when he is frustrated by a task -- much like a two-year-old -- we worry it will be overwhelming.
We also don't know how well the schools will be able to handle them. As we talk to educators, it becomes clear that the boys are much more unique than we realized. We don't have grandiose expectations for them, but their delays are mostly institutional, not wholly organic, and we don't know how the school will respond to boys who can throw an infinitely long tantrum, throw things, and so on. A friend from church who is a teacher came by, and she was telling us about how they would likely be started on a computer. I pointed out the boys would probably unplug the computer, become frustrated, and throw it, something that surprised her. But despite their problems, they probably should not be shelved with kids who have organic problems, at least not until we have a better idea of where they are at.
They do show promise. Elisey can count to 12 in English, and almost to 20, having trouble with 13, and he has mostly memorized the ABC song even without knowing the letters, in just a few days.
As with all parents, we will have to be their strong advocates, and will likely have to educate their teachers, who haven't seen kids like this before.
Today was a pretty calm day. Dimcho awoke at 4:30 and joined us in bed, and then thrashed around, insisting he didn't want to sleep. He has been acting out almost more than Elisey, with more random hitting, kicking, scratching, and biting, but since he is smaller it is easier to brush aside. Elisey wants to be a good boy, and often asks if he is. We suspect he may have been told, in ugly words, that he is a bad boy, and this internal script he has learned may be driving some of his behavior.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Elisey is eight
Today is Elisey's eighth birthday. Although the last couple of days were pretty calm, today he was grumpier (and I in turn I was grumpier), which made it more of a struggle.
One thing we have changed is gone from going to the playground to going for a walk around the neighborhood. Both boys enjoy it, especially Elisey, but we can split up and take Elisey for a longer walk. We are walking almost an hour, which I hope helps to tire him out. I don't know if that affects his mood, but ought to help his sleeping. He even napped, a bit, after lunch.
Fortunately dinner was mostly a happy affair, and when after dinner we brought out a simple cake and announced it was his eighth birthday, Elisey was very happy. He was also pleased with the cake and the little plush-toy airplane he got as a present. Not only does Elisey love airplanes ("samolet" in Bulgarian), this is soft enough he can throw it around the house and it won't hurt anyone or anything. Fortunately Dimcho accepted the convention that Elisey got a present and not him (we were not sure he would) so all went smoothly.
Here is Elisey and his airplane.
And here is one of Dimcho for balance.
One thing we have changed is gone from going to the playground to going for a walk around the neighborhood. Both boys enjoy it, especially Elisey, but we can split up and take Elisey for a longer walk. We are walking almost an hour, which I hope helps to tire him out. I don't know if that affects his mood, but ought to help his sleeping. He even napped, a bit, after lunch.
Fortunately dinner was mostly a happy affair, and when after dinner we brought out a simple cake and announced it was his eighth birthday, Elisey was very happy. He was also pleased with the cake and the little plush-toy airplane he got as a present. Not only does Elisey love airplanes ("samolet" in Bulgarian), this is soft enough he can throw it around the house and it won't hurt anyone or anything. Fortunately Dimcho accepted the convention that Elisey got a present and not him (we were not sure he would) so all went smoothly.
Here is Elisey and his airplane.
And here is one of Dimcho for balance.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Fear and Anger (and a Happy New Year!)
Elisey and Dimcho, like a lot of children who have been institutionalized and/or lost their families of origin, have a lot of anger. We see this every day.
An interesting example yesterday. Elisey was standing on his toy box, which he has been told is not safe, and, and he fell off it. He wasn't hurt much, but he lashed out at his toy box, kicking and hitting it. We weren't surprised by them throwing toys that frustrate them, but hitting something in this way, blaming it for his getting hurt, was new.
Last night Donna and I shared some of our thoughts about our progress and how were struggling with it. Donna had more profound spiritual thoughts, whereas mine, I am afraid, were based in the mundane and secular: I recalled a scene from the latest "Batman" movie, wherein a young cop played by Joseph Gordon-Leavitt tells Bruce Wayne how he lost he parents at an early age to violence he witnessed. He tells how a series of foster parents "understood" he was angry, but after a while they wanted him to stop being that angry boy and he couldn't, and so he got shuffled from foster home to foster home, and eventually into an orphanage. I try to keep that scene in mind, that just because I want Elisey to stop being an angry boy, he can't leave behind his anger so easily.
There are also normal childhood fears. Elisey had a little trouble falling asleep, because he was convinced there were bears in (I think) the attic. Bears are a source of fascination and fear for both the boys, probably because there was a bear at the zoo near the orphanage. I often pretend to be a bear and chase the boys around and they laugh and scream happily. But when the smoke alarm chirped, signalling a weak battery, I am afraid I joked it was a bear, and perhaps Elisey took me too seriously. If I understood him correctly, he wanted to move to a new house without bears in the attic.
Alas, I can't take him up to the attic to show there are no bears, because I would never hear the end of him wanting to go up again into the attic.
We wish our faithful readers a happy and peaceful 2013. Maybe we'll get a tiny bit of that too.
An interesting example yesterday. Elisey was standing on his toy box, which he has been told is not safe, and, and he fell off it. He wasn't hurt much, but he lashed out at his toy box, kicking and hitting it. We weren't surprised by them throwing toys that frustrate them, but hitting something in this way, blaming it for his getting hurt, was new.
Last night Donna and I shared some of our thoughts about our progress and how were struggling with it. Donna had more profound spiritual thoughts, whereas mine, I am afraid, were based in the mundane and secular: I recalled a scene from the latest "Batman" movie, wherein a young cop played by Joseph Gordon-Leavitt tells Bruce Wayne how he lost he parents at an early age to violence he witnessed. He tells how a series of foster parents "understood" he was angry, but after a while they wanted him to stop being that angry boy and he couldn't, and so he got shuffled from foster home to foster home, and eventually into an orphanage. I try to keep that scene in mind, that just because I want Elisey to stop being an angry boy, he can't leave behind his anger so easily.
There are also normal childhood fears. Elisey had a little trouble falling asleep, because he was convinced there were bears in (I think) the attic. Bears are a source of fascination and fear for both the boys, probably because there was a bear at the zoo near the orphanage. I often pretend to be a bear and chase the boys around and they laugh and scream happily. But when the smoke alarm chirped, signalling a weak battery, I am afraid I joked it was a bear, and perhaps Elisey took me too seriously. If I understood him correctly, he wanted to move to a new house without bears in the attic.
Alas, I can't take him up to the attic to show there are no bears, because I would never hear the end of him wanting to go up again into the attic.
We wish our faithful readers a happy and peaceful 2013. Maybe we'll get a tiny bit of that too.
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